dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
