Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
