I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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