just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
