the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
