i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
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I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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