i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
