rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
