If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
