Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
