When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
