the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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