I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
