I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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