Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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