Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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