i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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