one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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