We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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