Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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