6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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