I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
