I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
