Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
