I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
