guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I had to cum in my sink.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
