I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
