Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
