i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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