im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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