She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
