I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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