Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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