I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
