Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
