I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
worst night to have a conscience
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
