Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
