I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
