Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
