I'm going to jail i love you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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