see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
