He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
