Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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