Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
