Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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