Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
