omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
