Your face is a jimmy john
I smell stomach acid.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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