Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
