Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
