I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
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the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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