He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
pray to the hookup gods
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
