I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
