i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
